it’s been a while since the last time I threw random thoughts at you. lets be honest, it’s been a while since I consistently posted anything. [truth booth time] why? eh ya got me. life’s busy, but that’s the norm. but really why the lack in bloggy engagement on my end? it’s something I’ve really been pondering lately. truth is I feel like lately I’m focused on living more in the present and really being…present. it’s a good feeling and something that takes a conscious effort for an over planner like me. I also feel like while being [namaste] present I’m becoming better at enjoying the moment rather than putting pressure on myself to capture the moment to share later. brutiful authenticity is what I’m after these days. however lately when the opportunity arises to share my things on this little corner of the interwebs, I have to admit I feel a little rusty. like wait. how do I do this again? one step at a time. pinky toe first. eek.
that being said…I do miss this. writing it all out. getting it all out. I always tell my students to just begin and let it flow from their heads/hearts through finger tips whenever they’re feeling stuck or like their word well has run dry. time to practice what I teach. just let it go…I mean flow.
what-ifs. what-ifs are the demon voices that creep and crawl their way into our malleable little brains. ok I know anytime anyone mentions voices, it sounds little funny-farmish. but we all have them. so relax. sometimes the what-ifs are small and stupid and come through in a whisper. “what-if I waste great hair on an insignificant day?” “what-if I hit snooze for the 7th time?” “what-if I add guac to my Chipotle burrito bowl?” but sometimes the what-ifs are bold and boisterous. they shout at you and make your head snap back like you’re experiencing Beyonce whiplash [it’s a thing. I speak from experience].”what-if he does what the others have?” “what-if I’m taken for granted?” “what-if I’m not enough?” “what-if they don’t take me seriously?” “what-if I’m too vulnerable?” “what-if they’re hiding something?” “what-if my gut is right?” “what-if I’m not living up to my potential?”
those what-if voices are usually jerks. rarely are they saying things like, “what-if I win the lottery today?!” or “what-if everyone freaking falls in the love with me?”. if you have those what-if voices, you get two high fives…to the face. because either you’re floating around on some sort of mind-altering happy pills and probably need to sit the eff down or you’re so delusional about your own self perception you deserve a 10 to the face.
not to worry there’s a happy medium. a place where you can see-saw between the whispers and telling the a-hole ‘what-ifs’ to lock it up! because here’s the thing, the what-ifs and the could-haves (what-if’s BFF) will eat your brain. they say not to let your past dictate your future but when you’ve been hurt, battered, bruised, and crushed in the past especially when it comes to matters of the heart, it’s hard not to let those voices pump up the volume. as I get older and experience more heartache, and let downs, and betrayal, and vindictive maneuvers, these voices become more and more noticeable. but I realize not only am I listening less and less but I’m also not letting those what-ifs and could-haves take control [ah ha! the therapy is working]. sure there’s fear and doubt and anxiety about repeat hurtful performances. why do you think those voices are there in the first place? to protect yo-self fool! your brain knows it’s a harsh – sometimes all too real world out there. we subconsciously protect ourselves when it comes to our livelihoods and our emotions in the same instinctual way we protect our bodies and loved ones [aka cell phones] during moments of adrenaline-filled panic. and for that reason these voices should not be completely ignored, because then you’re just flying blind. and thats stupid. however, keeping them in line will allow you peace and the freedom to live a life that is full. full and open to all of the things. the pain and the joy, the lessons, the laughter, the passion and the heartache, the let downs and the totally cliche moments that take your breath away. we’re all on this journey together, but each path is hand carved on our own. hindsight is 20/20 for a reason. we wouldn’t take the leaps of faith that help to shape our lives if we could always see the next step in front of us.
so lets live [a lot] and learn [beyond measure].